I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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