Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
