My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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