im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
