he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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