Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
