puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Randomize
