Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
