if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
As shirtless as possible
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
