last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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