I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize