I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
How external is "for external use only"?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
