Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
