well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
