having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize