Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
