did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
