we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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