I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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