its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
