I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
