Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
