Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
