We named our party play list daddy issues
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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