The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
