I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
