Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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