We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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