Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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