woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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