my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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