i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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