i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
