Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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