I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
