I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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