There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
