yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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