If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
