planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
