It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
