got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Vodka?
Forever.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
