tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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