The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize