what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
