He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
