well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
