my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Success! We fucked roommates!
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize