I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
