I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I could have mohawked her pubes.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
