Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
