it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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