i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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