dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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