What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
