Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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