I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
