Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
