My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize