it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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